Do we really travel through time or does time just flow around us? Some of my colleagues (and likely some nerds as well) would argue that it only depends if you want to consider a Lagrangian or an Eulerian approach… I’d say I don’t care so much about the answer but I just like to waste time asking myself stupid metaphysical questions sometimes.

Anyway, come back, if you go through this whole post, there’s some music at the end as a reward. The reason why I think about this is that I went through an emotionally intense beginning of the week. I guess I’m just getting tired with my work. Not tired in the sense that I want to quit but tired in the sense that working 7 days a week for a month and being stressed out about everything is bound to wear you down at some point. For those of you who don’t know me (and who reads this nonetheless), I’m finishing a Ph-D at the moment.

For lots of various reasons my manuscript has to be finished in May and the tic tac  of the clock gets louder than ever. Basically, my manuscript will contain a certain number of scientific publications. I’m required to have 4 but I actually have 6 planed (stupid of me actually). Producing a scientific publication is like building a castle with cards. Long, stressful and often frustrating when the castle collapses. As yet, only one of my castles has been glued together and I know for sure it won’t collapse (i.e. the paper was accepted for publication). Two more castles are now submitted and 3 are still being built. One of them being necessary for the submission of the other 2 (and there arise the limits of the card castle metaphor). On Monday, I got feedback that strongly worries me about the ability of my 4th castle to stand still. Hence, 3 of my castles are in danger and my Ph-D looked in Jeopardy all of a sudden. I didn’t think I’d take it so bad but I spent two really dreadful days. I also have to say that I’m really tired of waiting for an e-mail for the editor of a journal that will tell me if my castle #2 is accepted or wiped out. I wake up a night to check my mails and it drives me crazy. I contacted the guy to inquire about my paper status and the only answer was “we thank you for your patience”…

On Tuesday, I had to fight all day long compulsions of going away and just saying f**k off to everyone. I thought again about this job opportunity I refused a few month ago in a private company to become a wealthy, Ph-D-less scientific consultant. I go home and cry out of shear stress. What really does matter when it’s all said and done? Will I be happier as Doctor Laruelle? Is it worth shutting down all my social life? All elder scientist tell me it’s a normal process at the end of the Ph-D, they sometimes even laugh… Maybe I will laugh too in a few years. Maybe I will be bitter and look back at this waste of time and effort with anger. What does matter at the end?

What does matter for sure is that I will remember the  5th of April as the birthday of a girl named Alwena. The daughter of an old friend of mine who offered me to be the godfather of his first child. And then, I try to look at myself and at the weird tricks time plays on you. None of my castle of cards related stress crises will matter in 10 years. The castles will be built eventually but the 5th of April will forever be an important date. So, Alwena, while I know you can’t read and we didn’t even meet yet, I already love you. You birth helped me put things into perspective and bounce back for after an unfortunate breeze that made some of my castles shiver. Things will be fine and I guess I will be able to laugh about my publications issues in a few years from now.

I now, this message is somewhat melodramatic but this is a blog my friends. I’m using it as such from time to time. :p If you want to change your mind after my self centered laments, listen to this music. It’s far from perfect but I wrote that and recorded it around Christmas 2007 and it’s a Heavy Blues Rock that gives me some energy when I’m a bit down.

I am not sure about listening to it but playing it is pretty fun!

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